Self love and a Stupid Blog
Why does taking care of ourselves seem like such a task? As if we need permission, or all the stars to align before it even makes onto our list of priorities. When did we become so busy that we lost sight of doing the things that brought us pure joy?
I started this blog as an outlet. A way to feel joy again. Writing has always been the one thing I felt I was meant to do. The one thing I truly felt good at. I’ve gone so far as to have some of my works published. I shamelessly have multiple copies of my work on my bookshelf. ( I thought it was so cool at the time.) I wrote for myself. Never to impress anyone. Writing was my way of getting lost…. in a good kind of way. The kind of lost that kept me sane. The kind of lost that made it so I could survive the hard.
And yet here I am over a year after starting this blog and I have barely touched it. Sad to say I use ‘being busy’ as an excuse… but let’s be real I’m not. Admittedly it’s fear. Fear of being judged. Fear of actually admitting/stating out loud what I’m thinking. Fear that once I start I won’t stop. I know what you’re thinking….. ‘but sis you just said you love it.’ Yup! I love writing and sharing my experiences so much that I have actually given many speeches on various topics. I’ve written articles that have been used by motivational speakers. Sounds like a dream come true right? Yes and no.
You see starting to put it all out there… whether it’s for the first time or the 100th time makes it real. It makes that specific topic hard to ignore. Meaning I have to embrace it, let it soak in, relive it, and let it spin in my head until I can form the poem, article or blog to let it out. To some of you that doesn’t seem so bad, and maybe it’s not as bad as my anxiety likes me to believe it is. But I write from experience not fiction. In my 37 years of life I can honestly say I have lived a thousand life times worth of heartache. (Major disclaimer…. what I say to describe my life is in NO WAY comparing my experiences to others. Everyone has different levels of hard. This is simply my account of mine.)
I’ve tried every route I can think of to spark joy, to practice self love…… well everything except write. You see getting a massage is wonderful (and seriously I have the best massage therapist. Her info is under the picture.) but it doesn’t help me heal emotionally. Bible studies are healing but only when I am willing to lay it all on the table and fully accept the love of God in return. Healthy eating…. one of the best forms of self love…. side note: can my summer healthy eating self knock some sense into my winter crappy eating self? Like seriously…. just smack her on the head with a giant bundle of romaine. Spa days, reading, yoga… it’s all ways to show ourselves some love. You name it I’ve tried it. But the healing I was looking for never truly came. I wanted this ‘deep, life changing holy cow I can breathe so much easier’ kind of healing. The ways I have tried to show self love have been like tiny little pin holes in my heart that allowed some light to get through but never truly lit the fire.
This brings me to the stupid blog. Ya know the one I was so excited to create. The one I spent way too much time designing and making it look so pretty only to write one post and ignore it for a year…… a whole year! Daily I would open my computer and see the bookmark for it and my thought was always ‘oh yea that stupid blog’ That stupid blog that who knows maybe no one will ever read but it’s the source of my healing. It’s the answer I’ve been asking for, yet never embraced. I know what it takes and here I am hoping that I will stick it out and give it a chance. Here I am hoping that if I open this door and let the words pour out of me that I will finally begin to heal. That my stupid blog will turn into the best form of self love and will reignite my spark.
I can picture warm summer days with a glass of sweet tea, sunshine oh sweet sunshine, and words flowing from my fingertips onto the pages of this blog and for a moment I will pause…. because the joy of writing will be alive in me again. I have such high hopes for that version of me. I hope I keep the momentum going and post often. I hope I can inspire someone.. even if it’s just one person. I hope the romaine I am going to smack my winter self with is one that I have successfully grown in our garden this year. (Post on gardening coming soon)
I hope that this journey will be healing for you as well. I hope that even just one piece of what I share will resonate with you to the point that your own self love routine gets a wake up call. We live in a culture where one person doing the thing we want to do can make us feel bad about ourselves. We take one the mentality that ‘oh they did it but there is no way I could do it’. As a society we need to end this. We need to learn to be a community who embraces others successes and learns from it instead of being jealous of it. My hope is that my journey will show you that you can do it too. That whatever you are facing you can reignite your fire and feel joy again. That your routine will include ways to show love not only to others but to yourself. You know yourself best, you know what makes you tick, what makes you giggle with excitement, what makes you cry. Be gentle with yourself. Be loving. Be patient. Be forgiving….. even when you start something and ignore it for a year, or when you miss a goal on a certain day. We all need grace… just remember to extend it to yourself. Take the first step, start the blog, do 15 min of yoga, get a massage. Love yourself in every way you can. I am cheering you on my friends.